just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
