woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
