The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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