How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
