Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
