God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
