Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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