Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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