shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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