i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
