I just cut my nipple shaving
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
