I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I did not marry a roomba.
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