I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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