Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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