Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
