I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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