I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
