every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
