the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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