he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
