he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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