grandma shit on top of the toilet
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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