I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
