Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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