I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
