Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
