Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
