I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
