Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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