take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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