You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
