just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
