woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
