Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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