Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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