I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
