I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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