New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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