Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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