I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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