Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
