The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
