he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
