mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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