OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
