I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
