Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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