A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
