I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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