his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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