True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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