Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
